Goodbye Halcyon Days

I've shifted. For those who still drop by, drop me a message or email.

Scars of the Past

I realized that I'm losing weight again when I was looking at myself through the mirror when I was bathing and I glanced at the wound that my chemotherapy was carried out on. It is still really painful...

Just as I sat down at my usual work station, I began swaying into reading my past emails that I received. I chance upon all the emails that were involved in arguments that could be avoided if I was someone else...

I was told off for quite abit of rash words that I wish to share:

Speaking of emotions, I'm not sure about you, but you have been really going from one extreme to another, and one of the reasons why I kept so quiet is I'm afraid. Afraid of you. Honestly speaking, I'm not sure if you are like this to begin with, but the way your emotions swing from one end to the other, it's frightening. I'm sure that even though I can be patient and trying, I do have certain limits and boundaries, but you had crossed those lines all too clearly.

I'll be frank and cut the chase. It would be bitter sounding.

It's hard to understand everything anymore. You more so. One way you tear at my emotions, sometimes knowing where to strike at my mentality, another way you try to come in peace, trying to pacify everything. I applaude you at being so successful. You have been the first one to honestly tear my mind and emotions into a thousand pieces. Be proud of that since who knows. It could have been the thing you had been aiming for. Everything is not like the books and fairy tales you deem it to be. Oh fight, then make up. All in a blink of an eye. Not everything is so simple. Advices, words of comfort, words of encouragement, all from those whom you sought help from, nothing can help you unless you do it yourself to really sort the mess that has been created.

By the way, thank you for the bitter tone in the message you sent today. I will return you one favor though. That is, thank you for unleashing your fury on me, for unleashing your friends on me. Thank you for thinking so lowly of me. And thank you for such little trust in the people about you. I clap my hands and celebrate in jubilee with the bitterness you had instilled into me. Drilled down. I had the mind to actually talk to you slowly before that. Now, I'm not so sure about that. Thanks for that again.

Your friends hate me don't they? Then we are equal since I do have my own to say they don't like you. But we have gone past the stage where we still hold grudges.

Just in recent days, I have already released my contempt. I simply don't care anymore. Whether you hate me, whether you like me, what your friends still think, still say. Basically everything. There's no point anymore. All I wanted was to go exceptionally slow and see if we could at least establish a point where we can at least talk civilly and politely. But no. You charged head on, turning and twisting, not looking what was around you, not observing. Don't say that it's because you are a taurus. I don't believe in that sort of crap. It is your nature, has always been, and I accept that. I can do nothing to even try and grasp at least a glimmer of hope that you could at least turn out to be a reliable friend.

I remember the times when you blew up on me, or say those nasty things about anything under the sun, I would just nod, keep quiet and try to placate you. Thinking of ways on how to improve what we had established. But I failed. Many times I try to reason, but I didn't understand why, no matter how many times I say, it just wouldn't hit home. I won't say that I was trying to change the person you were or is. Maybe I was trying to at least see if more patience and understanding could be instilled a bit in you, to try and see things from all sides, see the better things.

I was foolish to believe that you had more rationality then I thought you had. I was wrong about everything.

I'm not sure if you want to believe in my words anymore. Like I said before, 'your life, your heart, your mind, your choice'. I assure you at most that I'm not trying anything. But just do know that, even until now, I'm trying to see if I can be a bit more patient and see if I can at least salvage a friendship at most. At my own snail pace. Taken, my pace is not your pace. Taken, there isn't time. But I am what I am, and my pace is this slow. But since you are now adment about quietness, go ahead.

Whatever you say now, whether in anger, bitterness, sorrow or anything else, I'll just absorb it and know this, I still can stand and will not be swayed by anything. You had turned me into something foreign that I do not even understand myself. I will not dwell in the past. I will not pick petty arguments. I am not looking for another fight. I will just simply not do anything. I will go at my own pace. Call me selfish, but at least that's the most I'm entitled to.

These words up till today carry a very strong impact on me for it really strike me down thinking, what had I done. And over a period of time, for those who knew, to me, was at my saddest period.

I'm not trying to tarnish anyone's image or garner attention but this is what rings within me. I was just beginning learn to make others laugh and smile but at the end of the day, I realized, it's pointless.

Maybe her words are true, perhaps I'm not worthy of being a friend to anyone. yea...

Goodye Halcyon days...

Contrary

You Are a Good Friend Because You're Loyal

You stick with your friends no matter what, even if you feel like they're doing the wrong thing. You believe in letting people figure out their own path in life. It's not your place to interfere. And part of your loyalty means that you'll do a lot for your friends. You definitely go the extra mile. You'll even do great things for friends without them asking. After all, that's what friendship is all about. You are truly a friend for life. And you have friends you've known since you were a kid. Your friends can count on you to do a favor, remember a birthday, or just be there to listen. Your friends need you most when: They can't turn to anyone else You really can't be friends with: Fickle people who change friends quickly Your friendship quote: "Friendship doubles your joys, and divides your sorrows

This contradicts what kinda person I am. Cuz every now and then, after pulling my friends out of their depression period or rather, sad period, they tend to remember me for the first few months and after which, I'm out of their life. I have many examples such as:

• W
  
• M
• K
• GH
• A
• J
• C
• M
• S
• E

I never really asked for anything but whenever I drop them a message or anything, it seems that nothing every comes out of it. This shows how much they show their appreciation.

Off Tuned

When projects that are due on Thursday and nothing is done yet, I get mad.

When a particular lecturer is on my tail, it irritates me.

When someone I haven't seen so long returns, I have the urge to see her.

When the all the irresponsible peep from my class pressures me to take up more roles, I can die.

When Jerryboy gets sad, depressed or breakdown, someone will see me get angry.

If my health fails, there will not be any hope left.

Everything is going....





































































Down

Being Random

Random time! And the topic, what Jerryboy like and dislike. LOL

Jerryboy likes:

• Anything to do with green or black
  
• People telling him that they miss him
• People laughing and smiling
• Poking people out of the blue
• Embracing souls in need
• Rainy days
• Black and white pictures
• Songs with meaningful lyrics
• His gang of xiao mei meiS. LOL
• His little sister (;

Jerryboy dislikes:

• Punksters
  
• People "yozing" him
• People calling him dude
  
• People who constantly keep correcting his English
• People who uses him as an object to crack a joke for others
  
• People who despise others through social ranking
• People who keep pressuring him to go for a degree
  
• Any lawyers

Yea, I'll explain why I dislike those things nows.

• People who yoz me: I just don't like it.
• People calling him dude: I'm not white.
• People who constantly keep correcting his English: Mind you, my English is A1.
• People who uses him as an object to crack a joke for others: I've got my dignity bastards.
• People who despise others through social ranking: Simple, the higher your social status, the lower your respect are for the people of lower social status.
  
• People who keep pressuring him to go for a degree: I'm happy the way I am. Really!
• Any lawyers: The law was supposedly created to ensure fairness and equality. But if you do know, the rich were the one who created "Law" to protect themselves. What equality and fairness do you speak of?

You see, I'm from a middle class family but my stand in the society is VERY firm, I know what exactly requires more attention then just protecting ourselves from "terrorist". If you ask me, the real "terrorist" are those people conveying those message to us.

We have yet to settle environmental issues and also, our own people's need and we focus so much on external affairs.

If you ask me why I'm talking about such a topic, cuz I chance across an article from TODAY newspaper and it caught my eye, Slavery. That is why, since I was a kid, I always slander the law and their sidekicks.


Her:
I really don't know if I've changed anot but it is others who will judge me on that but whatever I say, I always have you misunderstood, hurting you with my words. It's been 6months since I last seen you.

I never once doubt your concern despite not being able. True that I don't wish to see you cuz I'm still having trouble getting over it.

So, I'm sorry for misunderstanding you again, my fault. Perhaps if you think that it's best that you wanna keep your distance from me, I'm alright with it. Just give me more time...

Can you people STOP asking me about my health?!?!

Yes, I know how concerned are you guys when I'm ill but, there's certain boundaries of limit that you should not cross. Take for example, spreading the news that I'm down with leukemia.


In case you don't know when someone is ill, yes, to certain extend concern is appreciated. BUT, if you are to keep asking and asking and asking, naturally, I will get irritated about it.


Especially when you're someone who had a past with me. It irks me alot not because you ditched me but because you're being over-concerned and spreading the news? The last thing I want to do is let the World know about my condition. That is why I kept it even from Terriss, my coach.


So, DON'T, it's irritating. And I mean it... Thank you.

The Switch

I'm switching blog soon because I don't like certain people on my ass. Especially ignorant ones.

Home Girls and Their Bringing

Of most I know of, the guys, they ABSOLUTELY LOVE home girls for they do not foresee what are the consequences. For one thing I know, I grew to detest them as they are such a pain-in-the ass.

Firstly, MOST of them whom I know love boy fanning and they would look up to idols, wishing that they could get someone dashing. But wait, I think they need a mirror to reflect what kinda person they are before they could actually drool over the guy.

Secondly, MOST of them are "virgins" in relationships, not knowing anything and what to do and such. One of the example is simple, not knowing what to do whenever they make a mistake.

Thirdly, they are such softie at heart, refusing to argue or whatever when it comes to major decision. They just say, anything is fine. So, a break up is also fine to them easily.

Forth, their best friends can be a lethal weapon against the guy should she have this "See you not happy" kinda thing.

So, at the end of the day, getting a relationship to last with a home girl ain't always that fascinating eh? For me, I had began to pick up my confidence and am gonna try hitting on some HOT FAT BABES =DDDDD


Concurrently, am mixing around quite a lot of hot babes. Screw being a sweet looking guy awaiting on ignorant ideals, quit dressing decently, it time to hit the street. Leaving of which, I shall leave this stupid video that I found on Raphael's blog.

Oh... I'm anti-PAP and LEE family.

Spunkan

Entered A&E earlier this morning due to my sugar problem and so, blood test done, transplant was....






















SUCCESSFUL!! Wee`

I learnt a lesson, NEVER NEVER leave home without sweets =(

But just as I was about to take a smile, I realized I made a mistake last night. In an attempt to speak to a friend in a peaceful but understanding manner, all hell broke loose, everything was smashed. I didn't lose my temper or such but emotional affection was torn apart.

As much as I tried to salvage the whole situation, it was fruitless and it came down over in just 4hours.

I've changed from one end to another end just to try and seek a better social life but I wasn't spared.

Friends like Clement, who once often speak to me about my temper, my attitude, I already began to change, adapt nicely and learnt to analyze problems before tackling it.

But I failed. Perhaps I'm still not used to using Clements' suggestion to aid myself. So, I broke up, I confessed to the lovely girl.

I hope it ain't a wrong move... And I'm getting scare of approaching anyone now...

Ego

What kills every man is their ego, their ego and their anger that ruin everything. Whenever they realized that one's fault is being revealed to another person, they would rant at whoever the person is and also, that person's trust in the middleman, is gone.

Fact is, the middleman was trying to make things look much better and get things off his chest. He's got too much secret hidden inside that he very much wanna break down.

But thing is, the middleman is concurrently the reason of smiles and laughter to many people. He cannot afford to drop down and break down in front of so many people. Despite his health condition, he puts up a strong front to build up his reputation and trust.

He will die to set his goals right.

BUT, it was the ego of else one that could easily ruin him. It was a man's ego. It's really sad to go round the bush to get back at the middleman while he's trying to get a better understanding for the egocentric guy.

I've got secrets. But this secrets cannot be revealed till time is right. I really love to reveal it but I think it's too soon to do so.

Lastly, the middle man, no matter what, always treat this egocentric guy like his brother for both had gone through thick and thin together.

Don't break it...

Listen...

寄 沒有地址的信
這樣的情緒 有種距離

你 放著誰的歌曲
是怎樣的心情 能不能說給我聽

雨 下得好安靜
是不是你 偷偷在哭泣
幸福真的不容易
在你的背景 有我愛你

我可以 陪你去看星星
不用再多說明 我就要和你在一起
我不想 又再一次和你分離
我多麼想每一次的美麗 是因為你



寄 沒有地址的信
這樣的情緒 有種距離

你 放著誰的歌曲
是怎樣的心情 能不能說給我聽

雨 下得好安靜
是不是你 偷偷在哭泣
幸福它真的不容易
在你的背景 有我愛你

我可以 陪你去看星星
不用再多說明 我就要和你在一起
我不想 又再一次和你分離
我多麼想每一次的美麗 是因為你

我可以 陪你去看星星
不用再多說明 我就要和你在一起
我不想 又再一次和你分離
我多麼想每一次的美麗 是因為你

Torture, blood

I lose quite a lot of blood for the bone marrow aspiration. That was what the registrar said.


Next week is the transplant. I will give it a last try...