Scars of the Past

I realized that I'm losing weight again when I was looking at myself through the mirror when I was bathing and I glanced at the wound that my chemotherapy was carried out on. It is still really painful...

Just as I sat down at my usual work station, I began swaying into reading my past emails that I received. I chance upon all the emails that were involved in arguments that could be avoided if I was someone else...

I was told off for quite abit of rash words that I wish to share:

Speaking of emotions, I'm not sure about you, but you have been really going from one extreme to another, and one of the reasons why I kept so quiet is I'm afraid. Afraid of you. Honestly speaking, I'm not sure if you are like this to begin with, but the way your emotions swing from one end to the other, it's frightening. I'm sure that even though I can be patient and trying, I do have certain limits and boundaries, but you had crossed those lines all too clearly.

I'll be frank and cut the chase. It would be bitter sounding.

It's hard to understand everything anymore. You more so. One way you tear at my emotions, sometimes knowing where to strike at my mentality, another way you try to come in peace, trying to pacify everything. I applaude you at being so successful. You have been the first one to honestly tear my mind and emotions into a thousand pieces. Be proud of that since who knows. It could have been the thing you had been aiming for. Everything is not like the books and fairy tales you deem it to be. Oh fight, then make up. All in a blink of an eye. Not everything is so simple. Advices, words of comfort, words of encouragement, all from those whom you sought help from, nothing can help you unless you do it yourself to really sort the mess that has been created.

By the way, thank you for the bitter tone in the message you sent today. I will return you one favor though. That is, thank you for unleashing your fury on me, for unleashing your friends on me. Thank you for thinking so lowly of me. And thank you for such little trust in the people about you. I clap my hands and celebrate in jubilee with the bitterness you had instilled into me. Drilled down. I had the mind to actually talk to you slowly before that. Now, I'm not so sure about that. Thanks for that again.

Your friends hate me don't they? Then we are equal since I do have my own to say they don't like you. But we have gone past the stage where we still hold grudges.

Just in recent days, I have already released my contempt. I simply don't care anymore. Whether you hate me, whether you like me, what your friends still think, still say. Basically everything. There's no point anymore. All I wanted was to go exceptionally slow and see if we could at least establish a point where we can at least talk civilly and politely. But no. You charged head on, turning and twisting, not looking what was around you, not observing. Don't say that it's because you are a taurus. I don't believe in that sort of crap. It is your nature, has always been, and I accept that. I can do nothing to even try and grasp at least a glimmer of hope that you could at least turn out to be a reliable friend.

I remember the times when you blew up on me, or say those nasty things about anything under the sun, I would just nod, keep quiet and try to placate you. Thinking of ways on how to improve what we had established. But I failed. Many times I try to reason, but I didn't understand why, no matter how many times I say, it just wouldn't hit home. I won't say that I was trying to change the person you were or is. Maybe I was trying to at least see if more patience and understanding could be instilled a bit in you, to try and see things from all sides, see the better things.

I was foolish to believe that you had more rationality then I thought you had. I was wrong about everything.

I'm not sure if you want to believe in my words anymore. Like I said before, 'your life, your heart, your mind, your choice'. I assure you at most that I'm not trying anything. But just do know that, even until now, I'm trying to see if I can be a bit more patient and see if I can at least salvage a friendship at most. At my own snail pace. Taken, my pace is not your pace. Taken, there isn't time. But I am what I am, and my pace is this slow. But since you are now adment about quietness, go ahead.

Whatever you say now, whether in anger, bitterness, sorrow or anything else, I'll just absorb it and know this, I still can stand and will not be swayed by anything. You had turned me into something foreign that I do not even understand myself. I will not dwell in the past. I will not pick petty arguments. I am not looking for another fight. I will just simply not do anything. I will go at my own pace. Call me selfish, but at least that's the most I'm entitled to.

These words up till today carry a very strong impact on me for it really strike me down thinking, what had I done. And over a period of time, for those who knew, to me, was at my saddest period.

I'm not trying to tarnish anyone's image or garner attention but this is what rings within me. I was just beginning learn to make others laugh and smile but at the end of the day, I realized, it's pointless.

Maybe her words are true, perhaps I'm not worthy of being a friend to anyone. yea...

Goodye Halcyon days...